Stick it to the man- how fast is fast enough August 2021 - NZ Autocar

RrrrrRRRROOOOOAAARRR SNAAARL. pop..RROOOOOAAARRR SNAAARL. pop.. bbrrrrrrr…… That’s the sound of one of the locals coming past my place in a vehicle that can only be described as totally inappropriate for suburban driving.

In the time it took you to read that as fast as you can, this machine has come into earshot, gone through two gears to hit third as it passed my gate, then braked to make the T-junction 100 metres down the road. I have no idea what it is because it’s so fast that by the time I get to the front window to identify it, it’s gone. It’s probably an AMG V8 of some kind or it could be an Audi RS 6. It’s definitely a high-revving turbocharged V8. I live half way along a peculiar street which is constrained by a T-junction at one end and a tight 90-degree double S bend 200 metres away at the other. It’s not heavily trafficked but it’s a bit of a favourite for hoons who for some reason want to demonstrate how quickly they can go from 20km/h to terminal velocity and back to zero inside 200 metres. So far, this guy has the record and I don’t even know what he’s driving.

The exact purpose of such cars is a bit of a mystery. Given the price they sell for they are clearly rich men’s toys, but rich men didn’t generally get rich by being stupid. In that context, what’s the point of spending so much money on a car that will go from zero to 100km/h in three point something seconds, in the knowledge that once you have, the fun’s over because according to the law you’re not allowed to go any faster? In fact according to the law you’re not allowed to go any faster than 50 in my street, so every time this idiot flashes past my place he’s well over double that so I guess his day will come.

There was a time that 0-100 in ten seconds was the domain of a 3.8 Jaguar, but now it can be beaten by a Honda Jazz. Doing it in three seconds seems pointless, especially when the top two-thirds of the car’s speed potential is outside what’s legally permitted.

I suppose there are some owners who take their 300km/h missiles to track days so they can enjoy frying their brake pads and destroying their super-expensive tyres in the name of having some fun, but I suspect they’re in the minority. No, I firmly believe that most of these owners need a car that makes a thunderous noise and accelerates like an exocet in order to compensate for the shrivelled contents of their jockstraps.

My thoughts are with my hapless colleagues on this publication who have the unenviable duty of testing these irrelevant machines but are obliged to gush about how they behave at a third of their speed potential, for which they only need two of the eight ratios of their super-slick automatic gearboxes. It must be a bit like testing an F-22 Raptor fighter plane without leaving the ground.

These days, electric four door sedans and two and a half tonne SUVs are capable of 0-100 in the three-second range. Where does it end?

I think I know.

We are on the cusp of regulations which will electronically limit the top speed of cars. If they can do this, they can also limit the acceleration rate. Seven hundred horsepower will be no use to anyone, so you wearers of baggy jockstraps better have your fun while you still can.

This article first appeared in the August 2021 issue of NZ Autocar magazine.

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Stick it to the man- how fast is fast enough August 2021 - NZ Autocar
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